Story A Day: Roscoe Falls Reflections

“Ironed the pants. Ironed the shirt. Ironed the tie.” Roscoe Falls sat on the edge of his bed, and repeated the list to himself. “Ironed the pants. Ironed the shirt. Ironed the tie.”

Roscoe's date for tonight began in exactly 47 minutes and he wasn’t sure he was prepared. The corsage had been ordered, the reservations triple-checked and the floor mats of his car had all been steamed cleaned. Each extensive list he had made for himself had been completed and yet he still wasn’t positive it was enough. He could go have a conversation with everyone in the kitchen, although that was, at times, more trouble than it was worth.

“Ironed the pants. Ironed the shirt. Ironed the...tie?” Roscoe paused; he couldn’t remember if wearing a tie was appropriate for this type of date. Ties were usually worn with suit jackets and he was wearing a button down shirt tonight. His breaths started to quicken and he reached to grab the medicine bottle on the side of the bed. Roscoe didn’t immediately pry open the lid and take the little orange pill. The medicine was an option, of course, and if Roscoe was honest with himself, probably the healthiest one. But healthy didn’t always mean right and it certainly didn’t mean comforting. With a determined nod, Roscoe placed the bottle back on the nightstand and headed into the kitchen.

“If you ask me, you should be wearing dress blues.” Roscoe had barely taken a seat at the table, when the General started in on him. He turned to meet his eyes across the table. “None of these namby-pamby civvies.”

“I think he looks darling.” Mrs. Mayberry smiled. “Just darling! Don’t you think so, April?”

“He looks like…” April tilted her head and Roscoe mirrored the motion, wondering what she was looking for. There was a long pause before she dissolved into giggles. “Like a stupidhead!”

“What he looks like is a geek who’s not going to see any action.” Darrin chimed in. “Nice tie, nerd. Why not add the pocket protector and go for the whole gimmick?”

“The tie!” Roscoe lifted the offending item and looked across the table. “Can I wear a tie without a jacket? Or do I need to find a jacket? I didn’t iron one, but I might have time.”

“Now, I don’t know about that. In my days the young men always wore a jacket. Or at least a smart sweater.”

“If you were wearing your uniform, you wouldn’t have this problem.”

“I think jackets make you look fat!”

“One more piece of clothing means one more piece you gotta take off to do the deed.”

“I-I-I’m not g-g-going to…you know.” Roscoe blushed and noticed the same reddening of Mrs. Mayberry’s cheeks. “This is just a first date. I’ll be a g-g-gentleman.”

“I know you will, sweetie. You have good morals.”

“Fine upstanding young man. Although your salute needs some work.”

“I was just joshing ya, kid. Though you should try and at least kiss her.”

“Ew! That is soooo gross!”

Roscoe looked at April, the two of them engaged in a staring contest for several moments until they blinked simultaneously.

“Fine, you’re not gross. Much. She'll like you.”

“Thank you.” Roscoe smoothed his shirt and ran through his list once more, the kitchen silent as he mentally checked off everything again. “Alright, I think I’m ready.”

“You know, you’ve got a wrinkle in that shirt.” Darrin said with a smirk.

Roscoe pulled at the edges of his button down. “Where? I don’t see it!”

“Don’t tell him that!” April whined. “You know it’s just going to make him crazy.”

“That wasn’t nice, Darrin.” Mrs. Mayberry tutted. “There are no wrinkles, love.”

“He’s a grown man, for petes sake! Back during the – “

“During the war we ate wrinkles for breakfast. Blah, blah, blah.” Darrin interrupted.

“Please?” Roscoe pointed at his chest. “Wrinkles?”

“Not as crisp as I’d like it, solider, but you’ll do.”

“You’re fine, sweetie. Now you just go on out and have a good time.”

“We want the play-by-play later.”

“But not any kissing parts! Gross!”

Roscoe pushed his chair back from the table, watching as the five people around him stood as well. Smoothing the crease in his shirt one last time, he nodded at the now empty mirrors propped up in the kitchen chairs and headed out for his date.