Why do I always look deeper? Why do I persist and push and scrape all the varnish off things? Why can't I just look at the veneer and be satisfied?
I don't know the answer to those questions. I don't know why I'm like that. I just know that I am. I'm a pusher. I'm a fighter. I keep yanking and tugging and discovering more. I like to uncover things. No, not like. I desire to uncover things. It's a force within me. A curiosity that refuses to be sated.
It's not always a bad thing. That part of my personality makes me an excellent student. I dig without ending on whatever subject currently holds my interest. It's also a boon to my ability to teach myself new skills on a job. Give me a task that I'm not familiar with and I can guarantee you that I'll be able to do it within a day. It's not because I'm super talented or brilliant. It's because I keep looking till I uncover all the answers. I don't give up until I know everything.
But it's not always a good thing. Today I learned more than I ever wanted to know about some people. People that I respected. People that I loved. People that, I'm almost positive, didn't intentionally mean to come off so badly. I didn't want to know these things and now I don't know what to do with them. That's the other bad part about succumbing to this insatiable curiosity...there's no undo button.
Now I'm left with this feeling of regret. Regret that I didn't close my ears or change the topic. Regret that I didn't protect others from this knowledge. Regret that a secret, small part of me is happy to know this knowledge simply on the basis that it's knowledge. However bad, however sordid this truth may be...it is truth.
Does that make me a bad person? A weak one? I don't know. I just know that at the end of today, I don't feel like I'm a better person.
Therein lies the lesson. Knowledge can be won, but at what cost.
I don't know the answer to those questions. I don't know why I'm like that. I just know that I am. I'm a pusher. I'm a fighter. I keep yanking and tugging and discovering more. I like to uncover things. No, not like. I desire to uncover things. It's a force within me. A curiosity that refuses to be sated.
It's not always a bad thing. That part of my personality makes me an excellent student. I dig without ending on whatever subject currently holds my interest. It's also a boon to my ability to teach myself new skills on a job. Give me a task that I'm not familiar with and I can guarantee you that I'll be able to do it within a day. It's not because I'm super talented or brilliant. It's because I keep looking till I uncover all the answers. I don't give up until I know everything.
But it's not always a good thing. Today I learned more than I ever wanted to know about some people. People that I respected. People that I loved. People that, I'm almost positive, didn't intentionally mean to come off so badly. I didn't want to know these things and now I don't know what to do with them. That's the other bad part about succumbing to this insatiable curiosity...there's no undo button.
Now I'm left with this feeling of regret. Regret that I didn't close my ears or change the topic. Regret that I didn't protect others from this knowledge. Regret that a secret, small part of me is happy to know this knowledge simply on the basis that it's knowledge. However bad, however sordid this truth may be...it is truth.
Does that make me a bad person? A weak one? I don't know. I just know that at the end of today, I don't feel like I'm a better person.
Therein lies the lesson. Knowledge can be won, but at what cost.
Found on a scrap of paper in the back of a travel journal. I'm not sure what I was referring to, although I have a couple of guesses. This find makes me a little sad. It stands as a witness, captured forever in the unenviable task of telling the truth about something painful but never seeing beyond to the beauty of growth. This piece doesn't talk about how I was changed by learning this lesson, or if I ever learned to weigh the cost against my curiosity. It never sees the resolution.
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